This Love Advice Will Save You from Years of Heartache
Not sure whether to stay or to leave? Use this.
Long ago, my college roommate Jennifer revealed a very simple relationship rule she goes by.
“It’s not pretty, but it helps me,”
she said sternly, pairing her socks on the bunk bed,
“If you’re really into the guy, and you think he is wonderful and nice, but if your friends think he is a jerk, he is a jerk. It is called The Jerk Rule.”
Who knew that this little observation made by my friend in high school, dispensed while we were folding laundry in our dorm, was a gold nugget of advice? It would save me so much time in years to come, by preventing many “decent” second dates to turn into a full blown, drawn out, unsatisfactory relationships.
You think this is too simple, and too silly? Let me explain.
(Jerk Quiz and Journal Prompts below.)
We all get attracted to what’s familiar from our childhood, not what’s good for us.
This is a well known phenomenon and is eloquently explained in classic books like Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, PhD. Dr. Hendrix explains that our “old brain” is looking for partners to re-create the old childhood family situation, so that we can revisit our old wounds and heal them. If you had a distant mother who had difficulty expressing her love to you, you will seek out someone distant and cold, so that when she finally breaks out and shows you with tender love, you get your childhood redemption (even if, at the next moment, the partner goes back to being cold again).
So if you had an experience of being treated with less respect than you deserve when young — let’s just say your parents never fully gave you the praise you wanted, or disregarded your opinions as “you’re just a kid” — you may seek out a condescending partner to prove him or her wrong, that you truly are that smart and accomplished. This could be most pronounced with traits from your parents, but over the years in coaching, I’ve often seen it in the collective psyche in society as well, due to sexism (e.g. women who are overachievers with a need to prove), racism (e.g. the need for African American men to be stoic and strong as a means of survival), or religion and its oppression in society (e.g. body shame when raised in Catholicism).
If you are attracted to “jerks,” “mean girls,” “bad boys” — stop analyzing their childhood traumas. Their wounds are theirs to heal. Instead, try to consider what YOU are trying to obtain, through your relationship with them. Recreating your family dynamic from youth? Fighting societal oppression in your relationship?
Both of these create an inexplicable, strong attraction — precisely because it is so primal. You may tell your friends,
“It felt like fate.”
“I’m just drawn to him/her like crazy.”
If you notice yourself saying these words, do a Jerk Quiz. Well, let’s name it Jennifer’s Jerk Quiz.
Jennifer’s Jerk Quiz:
- Is your partner nice and kind to doormen, waiters, cashiers, and just general human beings/ strangers in the world?
- Is your partner generally nice and kind to other male/female (your gender here) members of his/her family that he/she grew up with, such as siblings and parents?
- Do your friends (who truly love and care about you) think your partner is a jerk, based on what you tell them OR based on meeting your partner?
- Is he nice and generally kind to you? He’d better be, as a minimum requirement to get to hang out with YOU! And If not, you may have deeper issues and psychological explorations that need to take place. (More on this in future articles.)
How did your partner do?
Here are some examples of common responses.
“Well, she may not be trusting or kind to everyone, but she is extremely generous and kind to me.”
If he (or she)is really nice to you but a jerk to others, he WILL be a jerk to you once he stops loving you. In other words, if it is his love to you that’s keeping him on his sweetest, best behavior towards you, (but is controlling/manipulative towards others, for example,) when that love fades away, yes, he will be controlling and manipulative. You want to seek a partner with universal love, universal kindness — not someone who is kind to ONLY you.
“I mean, I get it, I kind of feel like he is not the best for a long term serious partner because he doesn’t have that universal love, but it’s good for now.”
Sure. But what is your relationship? Did we both clearly state this is just physical and for fun with no emotional attachments? (and do you actively make sure that you avoid that kind of emotional attachment to each other?)
The truth is, if you spend enough positive time with a new partner, you will get into him or her, most of the time. So save yourself a lot of time, a lot of heartache, sleepless nights, and OH WAIT, time and opportunity to heal and love yourself or even, meet another potential partner — if your partner — or whoever this person is — is not serving your needs, and is a jerk, just leave.
If you are staying in the lukewarm bath for as long as possible because you fear the cold air you would have to face when you stand up, guess what, the water will continue to cool, until you are sitting in a tub full of frigid water. Get out now. There are better things.
But sometimes, even if you know this in your head, it is still hard to leave. He may be a jerk to others, but he makes you feel so…..special. How come?
We often feel special when someone who treats everyone else poorly is nice ONLY to us.
What if she said, “I can’t trust anyone, everyone is trying to take advantage of someone — but you, I feel like I can trust you”? Or he yells at the poor waiter, makes a sly comment to the slow cashier, but showers you with flowers and I love you’s and says your existence has changed him? These are words of honey, especially if you have a “healer” personality. If you tend to measure your self-worth in how much you have saved people, in relationships or professionally, well, you know what I’m talking about. Nurses, therapists, masseuses, counselors, some teachers — yes, I’m talking to you! If he makes you feel special, just take one moment to notice why. Is it his or her statements of “no one ever made me want to change myself the way you do” that honors you, treasures you, and lift your self-esteem, that is trapping you in a relationship with someone who is a jerk to others?
Perhaps then, the question is, how could I start to feel special and lovable, without recognition from my partner of how special I am as my default method? Are there other, non-romantic ways in which you can feel special in your life? (JOURNALING PROMPT: try writing or making a list on this!)
If you do that, then, it does NOT matter if your partner is a jerk or a truly wonderful person. Either way, you won’t need his or her approval to feel special — that would just be a cherry on the top, a “nice to have”— not a “must have” where the survival of our self-esteem depends on it.
And just to clarify, NO, being with a jerk-partner is not fun. You may be fatally attracted to it, it may have gratifications and ups and downs you crave in a relationship, and for now, he or she may be extremely nice to you and fill your inner needs.
But listen to Jennifer. A jerk is a jerk.
Save yourself. No one else can.
